WHERE ON EARTH DID BEAUTY PAGEANTS COME FROM?
Well, would you believe me if I told you that it was Aphrodite who won the first ever Beauty Pageant?
No?
I thought so.
Well, let me tell you a story. A story that might have happened, that might not have happened, or might just have happened in an entirely different way than we know it now. That, after all, is the very definition of Mythology, isn’t it?
It was a long, long while ago, when two people fell in love. Their names were Peleus and Thetis. Except that they weren’t really people. Not the way you and I are, no. Well, Peleus was, he was the King of Phthia (yes, please do try to pronounce that). But Thetis wasn’t. She was a sea nymph, which is the super generic terminology we use today for a being that the Greeks used to call Nereids, who were basically the daughters of the Sea God, Nereus. And the Nereids was a pretty exclusive club. There were only fifty of them alive, ever. And today, we call them sea nymphs.
Anyway, enough of my snarkiness. Peleus and Thetis fell in love — the mythological way. And by that, I mean that Peleus was ordered by Zeus to marry Thetis. Why? Because there was a prophecy that Thetis would one day give birth to the greatest Hero of all times. And that made Zeus insecure. He wanted to make sure that this didn’t happen. After all, he was the king of Gods. He had to be the greatest Hero ever himself. It was part of his job description, as King of Gods. And here was a child, yet to be unborn, already challenging him. What was the poor guy to do? Apart from scheming to stop that child from being born in the first place?
And so Zeus got in touch with Peleus, a mortal man and asked her to marry Thetis.
“But Zeus,”, Peleus must have said, “she is supposed to give birth to the Greatest Hero ever! How am I supposed to compete with that? Sure, I’m good at what I do. I’m a Hero myself. But why on earth would she agree to a mere Hero when she probably needs a Great Hero. The Greatest can only come from the Great, right?”
Zeus must have scoffed at that. He must have laughed at Peleus, at his meagre excuse.
“She’s a woman,” imagine him smirking, “seduce her, serenade her. Make her fall in love with you. It’s not rocket science.”
“Sure, I can do that. But what about her father?”
“What about her father? He’s about to retire”
“Retiring? So who’s going to take care of the sea then?”
“Poseidon”
“One of your Olympians?”
“Sure”
“Don’t you, like, live on top of a mountain?”
“Oh, he can move down to the ocean. It’s a good job. He can live away from his family for a while”
“So Nereus will say yes?”
“Who?”
“The guy who’s retiring”
“Oh him! Naa, now that you mention it, he probably won’t. He never likes to listen to me. Thinks he knows better.”
“Didn’t you just say –“
“I said he was retiring. I said he was immaterial. Irrelevent. Old news”
“Then what about Thetis?”
“What about Thetis?”
“How on earth do I marry her?”
“I don’t know! Bind her, tie her up. Make sure she doesn’t shift shapes and slip away. She’s a slippery one, she is. Then bring her to the alter. Don’t make me tell you how to do your job! Just do it!”
And a subdued Peleus then slipped away, to do Zeus’s bidding, not noticing, in his hurry, that Nike (the Goddess of Victory) was standing a little feet away, watching the whole discussion. Not that it mattered, anyway, that she was eavesdropping. Not to Peleus, and definitely not to Zeus. She would simply go her own way, that day. And nothing would come of it, until some thousands of years later, when Zeus’s last words would suddenly pop into her mind at her time of need. But that’s another story. Let’s get back to our Hero (but not a Great Hero, mind you), Peleus. Dutiful to the core, he sneaked into Thetis’s bedroom, and making sure that she was fast asleep, tied her up, slung her over the shoulder, and snuck away. But the time she awoke, the damage had been done.
The wedding took place on Mount Pelion, where Nereus organized a huge feast for his daughter’s big day. Everyone was invited. And by everyone, I mean, everyone except Eris. For you see, Eris was the Goddess of Discord. And seriously, who really wants the Goddess of Discord at their wedding? Can you really blame them.
But like any sensitive person, Eris felt very bad. She took it to heart. It wasn’t her fault that she was good at creating discord. And no one had the right to discriminate against her on such a flimsy basis. And so, she decided to sneak over to the wedding. Not to gatecrash. No, that would be too obvious. You see, Eris wasn’t just good at creating discord, she was the Goddess of Discord. And you didn’t get to being the Goddess of Discord by getting your hands dirty. Creating discord is art form, after all. One has to make it look like it just happened. One has to make sure that by the end of the whole thing, everyone blames one another, except that one person who really, in fact, is to blame.
So off she went over to the wedding, climbed up the fence, making sure no one saw her, and she threw an apple right into the middle of the gathErisg.
Everyone looked up at the apple dropping, just as Eris ducked down, taking care to not be caught. It might have been Hermes (he does fit the role best) who then picked up the apple and read out what was inscribed on it, ‘To the Fairest’
Clever, clever Eris. She must have guessed that in such a gathering, full of the vainest people in heaven, earth and below, three mere words would make them all fight for the title of the fairest. Not compete, no. Fight. The Olympians were definitely competitive, of course. But what they usually did as a result of that was fight. It was all Hermes could do to bring the chaos under some semblance of an order. Most people do listen to a voice of reason. Except Hera, Aphrodite and Athena. The two bickered on, and on, and on, until Hermes roped in Paris — the Prince of Troy, son of King Priam, and yes, the absolutely same guy who happened to be in love with Helen — to judge the three and to announce to the whole world as to who really was actually the fairest.
Why did Hermes rope in Paris? Perhaps he thought that since he was young, Paris would be the perfect scapegoat to get caught in this mess. Or perhaps, as it usually is, it was a prophecy.
So young Paris, who had lived a protected life and had never really seen much of the world except through rose tinted glasses was brought in to judge — who among these three beautiful, powerful and extremely spiteful women was the fairest?
Each one dropped their drapes (yes, this gets a little adult), and paraded themselves before Paris, each one absolutely sure that their physical beauty was impeccable. The bad news? Each one of the three was right. They were very very beautiful women indeed. Their physical beauty was truly impeccable. And poor Paris was unable to choose. And I’m not sure I can blame him for that. So the three Goddesses decided to make it easier for him. Mind you, they did not arrive at this decision collectively. There was nothing happening collectively between the three of them at the moment except fighting. And so it would continue until one had won and two had accepted the other’s win. It was Hera who approached Paris first. She had the most to lose, after all. The other two were known for themselves, and had talents and crafts they could fall back on. Hera had nothing, except Zeus as a husband. Her job description was as the Goddess of Marital Order and Cuckolded Wives (seriously). And everyone who knows their Greek Mythology knows what kind of marital order Zeus and Hera really had. Order must have been really hard to keep with Zeus as husband.
So she walked upto Paris, and whispered in his ear, “Let me win, young man, and I will give you lands and wealth of the sort that you cannot ever imagine. I will make you the richest man on heaven, earth and below”.
“Pah!” would have been Athena’s reaction to that had she heard what Hera had to offer. But she didn’t. And when she went up to him, she said to him, “Listen, little boy, make me win, and I will personally make sure that you know every skill there is worth knowing. I will personally make you the strongest among all mortals”
Paris was tempted. But not as tempted as when Aphrodite whispered in his ear, “So I hear you have a little crush on Helen of Sparta.”
The rest, as they say, is history, or mythology, whatever you choose. Thetis and Peleus got married and soon they had a beautiful little baby boy, whom they named Achilles. This little boy would go on to fulfil the very prophecy his parents’ marriage was supposed to prevent.
Aphrodite, having promised Helen of Sparta as a prize to Paris, won this first ever beauty pageant, that then went on to leave a huge war and massive destruction in its wake. For Aphrodite had forgotten to mention one very important detail while bribing Paris — Helen was married to Menelaus. And it goes to say, obviously, that whether or not Helen reciprocated Paris’s feelings (for that is a different story to discuss at a later time), Menelaus would definitely not appreciate having his wife kidnapped/elope.
And so it was a Beauty Pageant that destroyed two nations and brought them to their knees. One can even argue that it was a Beauty Pageant that brought out the ugliest sides of all these people. But truly, let’s think about it. Was it? Or was it their cut throat attitudes that would stop at nothing to win, that did it? Or perhaps, it was their insecurities and absolute disregard for anything beyond their own self that did it. The pageant was just the stage. And when a dancer fails to dance well, you don’t blame the stage. You blame the dancer. But that too, is a discussion for another time.
Either way, if Erin had not thrown the apple of discord in, the three Goddesses would not have demanded a Beauty Pageant. If the three Goddesses had not demanded a Beauty Pageant, Paris would not have been roped in. If Paris hadn’t been roped in, he wouldn’t have gone after Helen of Sparta. If he had not gone after Helen of Sparta, Menelaus would not have launched an expedition to retrieve. And if Menelaus had not launched an expedition to retrieve her, the Trojan War would never have happened. And if the Trojan War had never happened, Achilles would never have become the Greatest Hero ever. And if Achilles had not become the Greatest Hero ever, well, what was all this for then? Wasn’t this whole drama played out just for one single prophecy to come true?
And what does all this have to do with Beauty Pageants today, you ask? Well, nothing really. Apart from a reminder for us to not turn into our three inner Goddesses. Apart from a reminder for us to not channel our inner Zeus. Apart from all that, just a little bit of trivia. A fun little story, if you’d like it.
